Sea of Confusion
by Kojiro Rei
Summary: Hiro confesses his lvoe to Suguru who pushes him away in spite of him feeling the same way and Hiro Disappears leaveing Suguru to find him and set things right.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer don't own Graviton.

I let out a sigh as I played my keyboard. I look over at Hiroshi and see that his face has the same upset look on it that mine does. I look over at Shuichi and see that although this is a happy, upbeat, dance song we're recording he sounds like he's about to cry.

"All right what the fuck is wrong with you today?" A loud voice called out. I looked up to see K standing over Shuichi with his magnum drawn.

"It's Yuki again. He kicked me out yesterday." Shuichi sobbed into the tall blond man's chest.

"As often as that happens you shouldn▓t be phased by it. You're pretty much worthless for today so I'll let you three go." He said gesturing the door of the recording booth with his gun.

Shuichi ran out of the booth followed by K but I stayed to pack up my keyboard. I looked over at Hiroshi zipping his guitar in a case. "I'm so glad I'm a single. Relationships are complications." I said to him.

"Single is no way to be forever though. It get's old after a while." He said to me.

"Not if you don't know what the other side of life is like and I don't want to know it at all." I said as I folded the legs to my synth down and put it in a bag.

"So you've never even dated?" He asked me. He had a puzzled look on his face but I just smiled.

"I've never dated, never had sex, never kissed or been kissed by anyone out side of my family and that wasn't since I was a little boy." I told him.

"What about hugs?" he asked me.

"Not since I was a little boy. Most people seem to just piss me off and I don't like them around me." I told him.

"Do I piss you off?" Hiroshi asked me.

I smiled at him and said "Your one of the few people I can stand."

He gave me a smile in return and said "That's good because I would hate it if I pissed you off."

I felt the beginnings of confusion set in. I looked at his face and saw that he had a look like he had a heavy weight lifted off of his chest. He let out a small sigh and blushed.

"Why do you care so much about what I think of you Hiroshi?" I asked him.

"Just Hiro." He said softly. I frowned. The only time I heard him use a voice this soft was when he was comforting Shuichi or when he was talking to someone he was trying to get with.

"Why, Hiro, do you care so much what I think about you?" I asked him. I was beginning to feel nervous inside of me.

There's no way in hell he's going to say what I think he's going to say. He can▓t say it. It would be wrong and impossible. There▓s no way he could be in love with me who cuts his best friend down on an almost daily basis.

"Maybe I care about you as more then a bandmate or a friend." He said.

"How can you care about someone like me that much? We're too different to work out so it would be useless to try." I told him as I went to leave the recording booth.

I felt his hand grab my arm and I turned around to face him. The shock that someone else was touching me was too much for me to take. I dropped my synth and looked him dead in the eyes.

"Let go of me." I said flatly and calmly. My tone was emotionless and dangerous just like I had seen Thoma do with so many people he was threatening but I didn▓t think I needed to threaten Hiroshi. He knew what could happen to him if he got to be a threat to me.

He let go of me but kept the eye contact. We stayed looking into each others eyes for several seconds before he looked away and said "Just tell me you'll think about it."

"There's only one thing I'm thinking about right now and I'm sure you aren▓t going to like what comes from it." I said as I left the booth. I walked down to the elevator and went to the top floor.

When the elevator arrived at the top floor, I took a look around. I went to my cousin's office and knocked on the door. "Come in." He said.

I walked into the office and saw Thoma sitting in his big leather chair overlooking the city. He turned around and looked at me.

I saw his expression change from his usual fake smile to a look of worry and slight anger. "What happened to you, Suguru?" He asked me.

"I got in to an argument with Nakano-san. He said he loved me." I told Thoma.

He looked me in my eyes and said "I can tell you have feelings for him. I don't know why you don't just admit that you love him to yourself and to him."

"I've been told by several people that they love me but there▓s only been one who I think loves me." I said firmly.

Thoma smiled at me. It wasn't one of his empty smiles he gives to the world but it was a true smile. It was the kind he saves only for those who are close to him. "Take the advice of the one person who you think loves you in this world and see if you can find it true for another." He said. I thought for several seconds before I gave a nod and went to the recording booth.

When I got there I saw K standing looking at the door with a surprised look on his face. "Were did Hiroshi go?" I asked the tall American.

K let out a sigh and said "He told me not to expect him in tomorrow and not to try to find him."

I felt surprise begin to fill my body. I though for a second about how I could affect Hiro so much. The answer hit me like a ton of bricks. "He really does care about me doesn't he?" I asked K.

"He does and you're a fool if you don't go after him. He's a good, kind man who knows how to have fun and you need someone good and kind to have fun with. I think I'll call it off tomorrow so go and try to find Hiroshi and talk to him." K told me.

I gave a nod and said "Give me his cell phone number and I'll call him." K looked at me for a second and I just laughed. "I know you have the cell phone and address for everyone in the band except for me."

K smiled and said "You're the good boy who always comes when he's supposed to so I don't need to keep you on a leash like the others."

I shook my head and said "If I didn't want to come you wouldn't find me. Be glad I don't like to play hooky."

"Eighteen turned you in to a rebel. It ruins everyone for a while. I remember when I turned eighteen." K said as he wrote something down on a paper.

"What did you do?" I asked him wondering what he could have done to rebel against his parents.

"I joined the army for a long time before I finally went to college like they told me. I met Judy and we got married. It wasn't the best way to go but I don't regret a thing."

I gave him a nod and said "It's a great thing to be as old as you are without any regrets." As I took the paper he was offering to me.

"I'm not old." K said.

"You're old enough to have fathered me as a teenager but what I mean is most people your age are drowning in a sea of regrets." I told him.

He frowned and said "Several times in a persons life they nearly drown in a sea of something."

I gave my head a shake and walked out to the parking lot. I walked through the sea of vehicles until I found my Lamborghini Galardo.

I got in, started it up, put the top down and drove home with the summer nights wind whipping through my hair

I got home, parked it in my garage, went to my living room and picked up the phone.

I dialed Hiro's cell number and pushed the talk button. It rang several times before it went to voice mail.

"It's me Hiroshi. Sorry I can't take your call right now. I'm either sleeping, being held in a studio at gun point, eating, or don't feel like talking to anyone right now so leave a message and I might get back to you." Hiro's voice said.

"Hiro it's me Suguru. I want to talk to you about today. My number is 312-1722. Call me because I was thinking we could talk about what happened at work today tomorrow over coffee or something." 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer don't own gravitation.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I let out a sigh and realized I had forgotten to turn it off. Up at six in the morning with no reason for it.

I showered, dressed, and looked at my phone. I saw no new calls and I let out a sigh of disappointment.

I went to the fridge and got out some bratwurst sausages. I put three of them in a pan and began to cook them.

As I cooked them I thought of how K would react if he knew what I was eating for breakfast. If he knew how I was on my days off he would probably cringe and demand my number and address from Thoma.

The thoughts of K brought thoughts of Hiro to my mind. Why did I reject him? I had feelings for him since I was sixteen although I would never of admitted it to anyone. I supposed it was my past that made me put up these walls around him.

Everyone who ever told me they loved me ended up hurting me. I thought of Thoma and how he was the only one who had never done anything to hurt me. Hiro would probably love and care about me just as much.

I let out a sigh and looked over at the sausages in the pan. They were done. Not bothering to dirty a plate, I just grabbed a fork my silverware drawer and sat the pan on the table. I ate the sausages and when I was done I washed the pan and put the fork in the dishwasher laughing at myself on the inside.

As a child I had to wash the dishes and I hated it. I would always say when I was older I would be rich and have a maid to do it for me. I have the money for a maid but I don't have one. I do everything myself out of habit.

It seems habits are driving me crazy. My habit of pushing people away has hurt me and Hiro. The things I did as a child to protect myself are seeming to be deadly to myself and others as an adult.

I let out a sigh and walked to my bedroom were I kept my synth. I sat down and began to play something Hiro and I worked on together. It was a special arrangement of ours called The Rage Beat Last Element Mix.

I played the slow song several times thought before I began to just go off in my mind and play whatever I though of. When I moved from were I stood and walked over to my night stand and looked at the pictures I had on it.

The first was of me and Thoma when I was seven and he was teaching me how to play piano. The times with him were my fondest childhood memories. The only fond ones I had really.

The next one was a picture of Bad Luck. Shuichi was looking at the camera wiht a big stupid grin on his face, Hiro had and arm around him with an easy going smile on his face. His other arm was around me and I was just forceing a smile because at the time I was embarresed wiht Shucihi.

I smiled remembering the time the first time I complaned to Thoma about Shuichi. He told me that he said the same things to his freind about Ruyichi for the first few years and that I would learn to live with him.

I sat down and looked at the last picture on the nightstand. It was taken at an amusement park. It wasn't much different from the first one in looks but it was the first picture I had taken wiht Bad Luck that I wasn't forceing a smile.

It was on the day I turned eighteen. They took me to my favorite amusement park and we spent the entire day there. I looked at the way Hiro had his arm around my shoulders in an almost protective embrace and I wondered how long he had felt for me the way he had.

I sat down and and looked at my phone. I saw a call from Hiro. The call came at seven fourty three this morning. I looked and saw it was eight o'clock. I called him back and let the phone ring.

On the trhid ring he picked up and said "Hey."

"Hey Hiro. It's me Suguru," I said.

"I know. I remembered your number and saw it when I picked up. What do you want," he asked me?

His tone was different from usual. He sounded slightly nervous and he had a hint of aggression his voice.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go have some coffee somewhere or something. We can talk about what happened last night," I said slowly.

"I know what happened last night. What I don't know is why you called me," he said sounding angry.

"There's just so much that I need to tell you about the past so you can understand were that came from," I said to him.

"You push me away and then want to go out the next day. I want to know what you're playing at," he said.

"I pushed you away because I was scared and I want to tell you what scared me so much," I told him.

"I'm not ready to hear anything form you yet. I called to tell you to leave me alone. If you listed to your messages you would know that I don't want to talk," he said.

I was about to respond but I knew he hung up. I hung up the phone and threw it against the wall in anger. I quickly walked over and picked up the phone to assure that it still worked. I opened it up and saw that it was undamaged.

I pushed in a few buttons and called Thoma. He picked up on the first ring and I said "Hiro doesn't want to see me."

"Sadly I can't help you with this one. You have to do it on your own. You have to give him time to calm down. He'll talk to you when he's ready to know what▓s going on," Thoma said.

"What if he never wants to talk to me again," I asked my cousin?

"I doubt that will happen but it is a chance. You don't always get a second chance for some things. I learned that the hard way and you might have to as well but I hope not," he said softly.

"This is fucking killing me. I need to get out for a while," I said to him.

"Be careful. I know how you can get when you're upset," Thoma said.

"I won't do anything you wouldn't," I said before I hung up and jammed my phone in to my pocket. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine.

I went to my garage and got on my motorbike. I pulled my helmet on and kicked it in to gear before speeding out in to the morning.

I rode to a place called Hard Riders. It was a special twenty four hour club with an open bar. You had to have a motorbike to get in to it was the only exception. I only knew one person who had one and this wasn't his kind of place.

I think everyone who knew me would say this wasn't my kind of place as well but nobody really knew me. The loud American rock music from the nineteen sixties to eighties played over the speakers and the place smelled like beer and cigarette smoke.

In my mind about half the people in here had criminal records, another quarter had committed a crime they weren't caught for and the other quarter were people like me. People who hid in the wrong crowd not to be found.

I walked up to the bar and saw the bartender and owner, a tall red headed american man who went by Rusty, looking over at me. He walked over in front of me and said "A friend of yours came in here last night."

"I only have one friend who rides and this isn't his kind of place," I told Rusty.

He laughed and said "If you ride a motorbike this is your place Suguru. You don't exactly seem the fitting kind of description here yourself."

I gave a nod and said "I hide here because most people think this isn't my kind of place. What did this supposed friend of mine look like?"

"He was the guitarist for that band of yours. He came in here, pounded down about seven shots of tequila, drank four beers, smoked a half a pack of cigarettes and then went to a back room with some tramp who walked in and said she knew him from somewhere. The whole time he was drinking he sad he would never love again," Rusty recalled.

"Shit. Is he still here," I asked?

Rusty shook his head and said "He left about two hours ago. Is there some band issues? I may be able to help."

"It's not like that," I said softly.

Rusty's dark green eyes lit up and he said, in a quiet voice, "I think it's a mutual love thing and I also think you pushed him away."

I let out a sigh and said "You've got it. I fucked myself over because of something that happened to me as a child."

He laughed softly and said "You're still a child. You may be a legal adult but a man is a boy until something happens to change him in to a man. If you have fears of something from your childhood you have to overcome them to be a man."

I glared up at him and said "Don't talk to me like you know me. You don't have an idea of what happened to me."

I stood up, left the bar and rode down the road not paying attention to my turns or directions I was going but being mindful of the traffic.

I ran out of gas and let out a sigh. I looked around and realized that I was in front of a Catholic church. I took off my helmet and walked inside.

I saw what I knew to be a confessional and walked inside, feeling that if I could tell anyone my story and have them talk to me about it to me I could be helped.

I sat down in the booth and heard the soft voice of an old man say "Hello my child. What brings you to confession on this day? What sin have you to confess before the lord?"

"Forgive me but I'm not catholic. I don't even believe in God. The truth is I was riding my motorbike in a daze and ran out of gas out front. I came in because I have something I need to tell someone but I'm not a man who can go just anywhere," I told the priest.

"God is great. He can help you through this pain. I am his ear and he will speak through my lips to you with the solution to your problems," The priest said.

I thought for a while before I said "It's something I've lived with since I was six years old. I was able to live with it until recently I did something bad to someone I love because of it."

"What happened to you in your younger years and what did you do as the result of it," The old man questioned?

"From the time I was six until my older cousin took custody of me at the age of sixteen my father raped me more times then I can count and every time he did it he would say the same thing. He would always tell me that was what love felt like and since then I've been afraid to love except for a few times and that always ended poorly," I told the priest.

"My child I can assure you that's not what love is at all. The things your father did to you were not acts of love. They were done simply out of lust. Did you reject a friend of yous when she confessed her love to you," he asked me?

"I'm in love with another man who confessed his love for me When he did I got scared and rejected him," I told the old man.

"The church says homosexuality is a sin but I believe that love is a gift from God to be shared with the most special soul to you regardless of what shell that soul is in," The priest told me in a reassuring voice.

"What do you think I should do," I asked of the unseen priest?

"Find this friend of yours and tell him the story you told me. If he really loves you he'll understand but be advised that he may take some time to calm himself from what happened and one more thing," The old man said.

"Yes," I asked him?

"There's a cafeteria down the hall. To get to it use the door next to your booth and go straight. There's a nun in the kitchen by the name of Sister Yume who keep a gas can in her truck for occasions like this. she'll know I sent you. She keeps it for just the occasion," he told me.

"Thank you," I said. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation.

I rode to the gas station and parked my bike next to the pump. I slid in my credit card, punched in the pin and began to fill my tank. As I did I saw a familiar red bike pull up next to me.

Hiro got off the bike, pull his helmet off and looked at me with a curious expression.

I contemplated saying something to him but I decided against it when he balled his hands in to fists and turned his attention to the pump. I watched as he filled up his bike and suddenly I had to say something.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Who are you and what are you sorry for," he asked me cautiously? He must not of recognized my voice because the helmet muffled it.

"You're probably going to try to kick my ass for this but I don't give a fuck. I'm bisexual and I confessed my love to my friend and he rejected me and pushed me away," He told me in a bitter tone.

"Sometimes when someone pushes you away they have a good reason for it. I know first hand that when something in your past can fuck you up for life. I pushed away the person I love the most because of my past," I told him.

"What happened in your past," he asked me?

"I don't want to say it here but if you're willing to follow me to my house We can talk about it for as long as you want," I told him.

He thought for a second before he said "Why not? I suppose the worst thing that could happen is you could be some psycho killer and even that wouldn't be too bad. I tried to drink myself to death last night and that didn't work."

"What happened?" I asked him.

He laughed and said "I threw up all over some hooker in a hotel room in a biker bar and now I have the worst hangover."

I frowned and said "My tank is full. How about you?"

He gave a nod and said "I have been for a while. I just can't stop talking to you for some reason."

"Then I guess you'll be following me home," I told him.

"Lead the way," he said.

"Let me put my home address in my G.P.S. I got lost and ran out of gas wandering around. I stopped inside a church for some reason, talked to a priest in a confessional, got some gas from a nun working in the charity kitchen, and she gave me directions here," I said as I punched it in.

"Sounds like a hell of a morning." he said.

I gave a nod and said "Address is in. Follow me."

I saw him put his helmet on. At the same time we put our gas nozzles back on the tanks, took our receipts, kicked our bikes in to gear, and rode to my house.

On the way there I kept looking back at him to make sure he was following me. I realized that when he got to my house he was going to bolt unless I did something to keep him from running. 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine.

I pressed the button and opened my garage door. I rode my bike in and Hiro rode in right beside me. I killed the engine, pressed the button on my remote to shut the garage door, and got off my bike.

Hiro got off his bike and walked over the door by where I was standing. I switched on the light, put the remote in my pocket and said "The only way to open the garage door is the remote in my pocket and the door to the house is locked. The keys are in my pocket. We're going to talk out here."

He took off his helmet, looked around, and when his eyes fell on my Saleen S7 they grew wide and he said "Suguru is that you?"

I pulled off my helmet and said "I'm sorry but when I saw you at the gas station I knew it was my only chance to talk to you without you have any distractions."

He walked over to me and calmly said "You wanted to talk to me out here so that I couldn't run out the front door when you took your helmet off but I had an idea at the gas station."

"It looks like you don't plan on it." I told him.

He gave a nod and that was enough for me. I took my house keys out of my pocket and opened the door to the house. We went inside and I led him to the front room.

I took off my helmet, sat in on the floor next to me, and sat down in a leather armchair. He sat down across from me and I said nothing.

My eyes kept wandering to anything and everything but him. I felt myself fill up with fear. I stood up and said "I need something to drink."

He looked at me and said "Get it and come back. I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes already and I know because the clock is right behind you."

I went to my kitchen. Went to where I kept the liquor and took out a bottle of scotch. I took a long drag from the bottle before I winced at the burn and poured myself a large glass of it.

I went back to the front room with my drink and said "I pushed you away because I have a bad association to love. My father raped me more times then I can count for ten years from the time I was six. Thoma was the only person I trusted for years but something changed," I told him before I drank some more of my scotch.

"What changed," he asked me? His tone was intense but at the same time reassuring. Even though there was no words of sympathy I felt it in his voice.

"At sixteen my cousin told me he signed a new band and they could use a keyboarder. I joined them but kept my distance from them because I thought the singer was an idiot and best friends with the guitarist. It went on until I fell in love with the guitarist at some point and got over the singer's antics," I told him.

He looked at me and said "I had no idea anything like that happened to you. I wondered why you were so detached. How long was it before you met us that Thoma took you away from your father?"

I took a drink from my glass and said "I was away from him for two weeks. I would sit in a corner of my room and just relive it all the time until Thoma told me that he was putting me in a band. I asked him why and he said it would be good for me."

Hiro reached in his pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes. He was about to light one when I said "Let's go out back. I don't want you to smoke in my house."

He put it back in the pack and said "I'll just stay in here with you then."

I stood up and walked over to where he was I looked at him and said "I guess you know why I pushed you away and you know that I feel the same for you if you still feel it for me."

He looked up at me and said "It wouldn't of hurt if I didn't love you."

I felt like smiling at the fact the he loved me but it made me sad that I had hut him. I looked at him and he said "That's the saddest smile I've ever seen."

He started laughing until I grabbed his face and said "Stop laughing." I leaned down and kissed him on his lips.

It wasn't a particularly deep kiss but it was enough to let him know how I felt and to shut him up. I pulled away and he smiled at me.

"So then let's make sure that tomorrow when we go in to work they know we're better then we were before," I told him.

He gave a nod and said "For now I'm happy just to know that I have you."

I put my arms around him and sat down on his lap. He smiled down at me and said "Let's do something fun today then since we have it off and tomorrow you can give me a ride to work."

"Sounds good to me but you drive. I'm not drunk but I've had enough that I can't be behind the wheel," I told him.

"Then how about we just stay here. I'm sure we can find something to do," he said.

"I have a guitar in my instrument room. I write music for a lot of NG bands and I learned to play all the instruments I write for," I told him.

He smiled and asked "What do you play?"

"I can play guitar, bass, keyboard, synth, piano, keytar, drums, violin, and flute." I said as I counted them off on my fingers.

"Do you sing," He asked me?

I looked at him in surprise. "What makes you ask that," I asked him?

"I figured with a voice like yours you should be a good singer," he said softly.

"I think we should leave the singing to Shuichi. He does it better then I can," I told him.

"Then let's just jam for today. I'll crash here tonight and we can go to work tomorrow morning together," he said with a smile.

"Sounds good to me," I said as I led him to my soundproofed music room. 


End file.
